There was a man being interviewed on one of the TV morning shows this week who claimed to be a Colts fan. He held a handmade sign on poster board declaring his desire for the Colts to win the Super Bowl. He conducted this interview while wearing a Chicago Bears tennis visor.

This man is a douche.

He might be a perfectly nice man. Maybe he’s just having fun in Miami for the week. But he is, unquestionably, a douche.

Why?

Well, let’s explore. He possesses a multi-dimensional douchery. Consider:

• He was camped out for a morning show;
• He wore a visor instead of the full hat, which we know is a sure sign of douchery. Again in order to wear a tennis visor, one must:
                         a) be playing tennis or
                         b) be in possession of a vagina;
• He made a poster board sign supporting the Colts, as if it were homecoming at his junior high

But we’ll stick to his divided football loyalties in this space.

First and most importantly: Pick a goddamned team. There are 32 teams. Pick one. Only one. Why is this so hard for the douche-leaning male?

I’m a Jets fan. Have been since I was 13 years old and starting watching football. My dad was a casual football fan at best and did what most NY-area casual fans do, he took the safe choice and rooted for the Giants. As any 13 year old would do, I said “F—that, I’m a Jets fan.” Jets were feisty, always coming up short – a team I could live and die with.

Rooting for the Giants (and the Yankees for that matter) is like rooting for the sun to come up in the morning. Safe choice. Minimal disappointment. Lots of company…like eating a handful of grapes in the grocery store. Most people do it. Nobody says anything. It’s within the margin of error.

Being a Jets fan? Like slicing open a cantaloupe and throwing the seeds on top of the kiwis. Takes some stones. Lends itself to mockery from fans of the daily sunrise. Cuts years off your life. And requires a tool (and we Jets fans have been called tools.)
I would never go to the Super Bowl wearing a Jets hat and make up a sign rooting for the Colts.

That’s like having dinner with your wife and putting a picture of your last girlfriend on the table. You just don’t do it.

So when I hear someone say “I like the Bills, they are my 2nd favorite team” or “When my team loses I adopt your team!” I call bullshit. There are no 2nd favorites or backups.
There is your team. There is the love of the game. That is all.

Now you’re allowed to like other teams and players. I love Peyton Manning. He’s the best I’ve ever seen, keeps his nose clean. He’s funny. He appreciates fans being fans. He “gets it.” Like Justin Timberlake. I would never buy a Timberlake CD, but I like him. He gets it too.

I like Drew Brees. Great team leader. Knows the importance of this team in that city. He gets it.

So I’ll enjoy the game. Without a rooting interest. I’m not bitter that Peyton beat my Jets; the Colts were clearly the better team.

But I’m not sitting in my living room with an abacus calculating whether the Colts are my 15th favorite team taking on my 14th…no 13th favorite team. That would make me….all together now… a douche.

And I’d rather soil the kiwis than be a douche.