Now that the Winter Olympics are behind us and we can stop pretending to know everything about luge, giant slalom and speed skating we can have the much needed larger debate.

What exactly is a sport?

I, for one, enjoyed watching curling. So it’s slow. The rules aren’t crystal clear (basically get the rock in the middle of the circle if you can). Others made fun of curling. But to me, it’s pure sport even if people aren’t crashing into one another, wildly gesticulating after each score, or taking steroids to enhance their performance.

But I digress.

How do I define sport? To me it’s like pornography. (I’ll hold while you make your Tom/sport/pornography joke, hopefully just in your own head.) You know it when you see it. Having debated this many times, several friends and colleagues have shared their view of what makes an activity a sport. They include:

• You must have a special ball
• You must have a clock
• You must have special footwear
• You must have a special ball AND a clock

Under at least one of those criteria, baseball would not be a sport. And that’s just ridiculous. I’m not sure I can tell you what makes a sport, but here my take on what is NOT a sport

• Any activity in which the winners are determined strictly through judging. This eliminates the Westminster Dog Show, Dancing With the Stars and figure skating. Yes, beloved figure skating. Completely judged. Always a controversy. When commentators say things like “that was a tidy routine, but I think the judges are looking for more than tidy here,” it is not sport. Athletic? Yes. Threat of someone’s throat being cut by a random skate blade accident? You bet. Special footware? Of course. But it’s a pageant, not a sport
• Any game or activity where you can bump/crash your competitor out of the way without penalty. There goes short track speed skating. Many of those goofy snowboarding races. (I used to think figure skating should be like this. They all skate their routines at once with all the music playing together. But now that I think of it, despite the potential for confusion and contusion, it still wouldn’t make it a sport)
• Non-sequitor activities. This applies to two completely unrelated events. Like whatever that event is that combines cross country skiing and shooting shit. If we’re gonna include frozen tundra sports with redneck behavior, let’s admit the ice fishing/tobacco chew/beat the dog combination to the winter games. We should have learned from synchronized swimming back in the 80s (“I know you, I know you!”) not to mix and match our sports.

Of course you can make up your own games. In college, my buddies and I wasted hours – perhaps even weeks – playing a game with a bottle cap. Yes, a bottle cap. (The game was really addicting. So much so that the girls, who mercilessly mocked us, formed their own league. We of course wouldn’t allow them to play with us following said mockery.) Every time I shank a golf ball I curse that damn bottle cap game. I should have been out hitting a golf and enjoying actual exercise.
And, yes, golf is a real sport. Special shoes. Special balls.